Hiatus, BRB

And yet again, I have neglected to post on a weekly basis. Goodness why am I so impossible? I’m sorry. But look, check this out. A new year is right around the corner, and I’m ready to actually take this site seriously. Yeah, for real!
I think a big cause of my lack of motivation is that I’ve set up this space as a little uncharted island kind of. I rant, I talk about whatever is on my mind, but that’s it. Outside of being a little funny or relatable, I’m not actually connecting with anyone or anything.

I have a tendency to drift into my own world, and it seems that trait of mine bleeds into my work as well. So, realizing that, I’m turning it around. I’m plugging in to my world, and connecting with people and places and things. I’m nouning, I guess is what I just described. I want to create something that people can get something out of, not just me shouting into cyberspace. I mean, I’ll still do that, but I can afford to write with purpose too. People keep telling me I’m cool, but even if that’s true, I’m sick of me being the only thing on here. There are people doing way cooler things, and there’s super interesting stuff happening around my city, and there are great businesses that I frequent, all of which I want you to know about. I want to support them more. I want to collaborate. I want to contribute to the scene around me.

My island needs a monorail line installed to connect to the rest of civilization. So here’s the plan..
Starting next year, I’m going to add a new tab to my blog, titled {Haven’t Decided Yet}, and under that umbrella will be The Inspiration, The Scene, and The Biz. Oh and The Coffeeshops section is going to be updated way more often than I have been doing.

The Inspiration will be a feature of a Philly(usually) artist/musician/mover and shaker who has my attention. There is so much talent in this place, and seeing these individuals pursue their passions always pulls me out of whatever creative rut I’ve fallen into. I hit those pretty often, and I’m realizing that I need to shift my focus onto the things and that get me back on my grind and keep me there. I’m really excited for this section of the site.

The Scene will be posts about the events I go to around Philadelphia. I don’t understand how anyone gets bored here. There is always at least two things going on at any time of the week, and a lot of them are free or super cheap to do. I stay out of the house, attending as many of these things as I can stand. Usually foodie or music-y in nature, but I switch it up sometimes.

The Biz will be my experiences with different local small businesses, whether it be a salon, or a fashion boutique, or a restaurant. Whatever, I’m writing about it if I like it. Because I try shopping local as much as I can help, and I’d like to shout out great places in town that I like and want to see stick around for a long time.

And I’m going to be more active on the medias. It might kill me a little but I’m going to do it, dammit. You will see me doing things on Twitter. Instagram. I recently joined Tumblr. And I will make a TheSpazmatazz Facebook page. Talk to me sometime. I will respond because I’m totally a social person and I am very forward in the technologies and social meeds and whatnot. Psh. Do I sound like someone going to school for a degree in Emergent Media? I’m working on it, I promise.

I also got my tripod, and will be making videos on Youtube of my rants sometimes too. I’m gonna be all over the place, you guys! Are you ready???
I’m not. But I am looking forward to this, and I want to do it right. So bear(or is it bare? I like bear and I don’t feel like looking it up.) with me as TheSpazmatazz goes dark for the month of December. I’m going to spend this time to bulk up on content to launch in the new year, and set up all of my platforms. If you need me, email me! You’ll find my email under the About page.

Alright, I’ll see you all in 2016! In the meantime, read my older posts and share them with someone who needs to know there are people weirder than them in the world. Byeeeee!

Much Ado: Voicemail

I finally did it. I gave in. Sold out! The growing desperation for employment has led me to do the unthinkable; to go against everything I stand for in this world.

I emptied my voicemail box.

I am dreading the consequences of my actions today. I’ve had it so good for so long, but it’s all over now.

A thing about me: I hate voicemail. Actually, hate isn’t even a strong enough word. I abhor them. Yes, it’s that serious. Every step of the exasperating process boils me into a rage steaming enough to cook my dinner.

I don’t like pointless things. And because caller ID exists, as does texting, as does so many other means of communication, voicemails just don’t warrant any necessity to me. But yet, people still feel obligated to call me, wait through minutes of rings, automated voices, and an age old beep, just to say, “Hey, this is that person who’s name is clearly plastered all over your phone. Yeah it’s me! And I called you, which you might not have gathered from that MISSED CALL notification that is making your phone blink unceasingly. I’m not going to tell you what I wanted, thus thoroughly taking a dump on the only point this function has ever intended to serve. So call me back, because OBVIOUSLY.”

I’m not calling you back. I would have been more inclined to respond if you hadn’t sent me a voicemail.

I know who you are.

I know you called me.

I know you want something.

And if you just wanted to say hi, why? 

Do I know you like that?

Because if I do, and you’re not my grandmother, text. me. Snap me. Facebook me. Freaking tweet me. Gram me. Email me. YOU CAN FIND ME ON PINTEREST FOR ALL I CARE. Or if you insist on using such antiquated means of contact then send me a hand-written letter.  Any of which I would respond to quicker than a voicemail.

If I didn’t detest voicemails enough, then phones started making the notification permanently pinned to your task bar until you checked your inbox.

WHAT?! GET THIS ISH OFF MY SCREEN. If I don’t want to check my messages, I shouldn’t have to. What’s it to Verizon if I don’t look at my voicemail?

I’ve tried everything to stop people from leaving me voicemails. Various messages ranging from “If you leave me a message, the terrorists win. Do you hate America?” to, “My voice mailbox is in Spanish for some reason, I’m not going to get your message because I don’t know what it’s telling me.” That second one actually happened. But you awful people kept leaving me voicemails anyway.

Then I remembered some of those lucky turds whom I’ve called before to arrive at an automated response saying the caller I tried to reach had a voicemail that wasn’t set up yet. Dang it, why did I ever set mine up? Can I set it…down? Turn it off? I want that message in my life for the world to hear when they call. I searched for how to do this. I went to my service provider. They told me you can’t undo the set up once your voicemail is active. Blast. There had to be another way.

I got halfway to bliss when I decided to simply stop checking my voicemail. I let my inbox fill up, and I didn’t delete anything. That stupid icon still plagued my notifications, but at least I wasn’t getting any new voicemails. I learned to live with it, and in time I didn’t notice it anymore. When someone would tell me they tried to leave me a message but my mailbox was full, I would just smile, and then quickly readjust to a confused face and reply, “Oh, you DON’T SAY! I should uh.. delete some messages or something. Yeahh. HAH, how weird, right? Pfft.”

But then the day came. The blessed day that I had been waiting for all my smartphone owning life. The day I got a new phone. Turns out that as I transferred everything over to the new device, my voicemail alert didn’t come along for the ride.

No. More. Icon.

No. New. Messages.

Woah.

Did I just win?

Did I just have my cake and eat it too?

Did I just take a swim and not get wet?

Is the wolf full and the sheep still whole?

YES.

I totally just won!

Winner.

Me.

I did it.

I dismantled the establishment…or something!

I’m…I’m so happy. 

By the way, I had a really great time looking up other phrases that mean the same as the cake idiom. Other cultures are so much more fun than us.

You can’t have your mustache and drink your porridge. ~Tamil

 

Well all that merryment had to come to an end eventually. And today was that sad, sad day.

I was talking to my boss yesterday and it came up about my loathing for voicemails and how I keep my box full so I don’t get new ones. He shook his head at me and asked how I was supposed to get important messages. Important messages like what? I don’t get important messages. No message is important. He pointed out that prospective employers might call. I, still unrelenting, retorted that they could just email me, same way I contacted them. He shook his head again.

I figured, whatever he’s just old. I’d obviously call a job right back if I missed a call. But then it came to me that I don’t always have service. Namely when I’m on the subway. And I can be on the subway at prime periods of the day. And if I get a call when I’m underground, I never receive notification of it. Only texts come through..

Damn. It. All.

I conceded. I had to. It hurts. It hurts so bad. This had better be worth it or there will be hell to pay.

I didn’t even know how to call my voicemail anymore. I didn’t remember my password. I finally broke in and had 27 messages. 27 messages consisting of 3 minute long recordings of rustling pockets, relatives who called just to ask, “Who is this,” and the many jerkwad friends of mine who went on tirades that always started off with, “So I know you hate voicemails, BUT HERE’S ANOTHER ONE ABOUT NOTHING HAHAHA!”

I need some time to recover. That was just too much.

P.S. If any of you cretins and kretins(you know who you are) take advantage of my weak state right now and leave me voicemails, I will consider it an act of war and you’d better be prepared for the fallout. ~ Much love :3